Have you ever wondered why there has never been a live-action Archie TV series? Maybe it's because THIS is the type of garbage that Hollywood was trying to shove down our throats!
First, we have this clip from a 1964 unsold Archie sitcom. I wonder why the show was never picked up? Maybe it has something to do with Mr. Weatherbee spending nearly half the clip having a mental breakdown and bitching about Archie. And my God, when did Miss Grundy become so horny? And when did Jughead become a "lover"? Oh, and P.S. Jughead, I don't think Rock Hudson had any problems with girls fighting over him.
Twenty-six years later in 1990, another Archie pilot was made. This was a made-for-TV-movie that was supposed to serve as a back door to a weekly TV series. "To Riverdale and Back Again" featured Archie, Betty, Veronica, Jughead, Reggie, and the rest of the cast as adults attending their 15- year high school reunion (yes, very "Big Chill" of them). The only problem is that the movie was lame and nobody bought their "adult" problems: Archie as a lawyer about to leave Riverdale with a bitchy fiancee named Pam, Betty as an elementary school teacher with an abusive fiance named Robert, Veronica as the head of Lodge Enterprises in Paris with a string of ex-husbands, Jughead as a divorced psychiatrist with an annoying son, Reggie as a local entrepreneur that was bent on destroying Pop Tate, and best of all...Big Ethel as sexy blonde international model!
Here is the scene at their reunion when the band gets together to perform again:
God, Mr. Weatherbee looks creepy at the 0:41 mark! By the way, that's Big Moose and Midge dancing at the 4:06 mark. And their son is the kid hanging out with Jughead's son and Big Ethel.
Now, if that weren't lame enough, check out this scene earlier in the movie featuring Jugheads' impromptu rap version of "Sugar, Sugar":
After watching 0:29-0:31, I need therapy!!
Sigh...this is why Gossip Girl and 90210 end up on The CW.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Riverdale - Gayest town in America!!
According to surveys, 10% of the population is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered. In Riverdale, this statistic seems to be much higher.
For example, in the below scene Dilton comes out to Archie, Veronica, Reggie, and Jughead by announcing that he isn't interested in girls. Everyone seems shocked. Everyone that is, except Jughead, who also isn't interested in girls. Hmmm...
OK, so Dilton coming out isn't very shocking. That's about as surprising as Clay Aiken, Lance Bass, and Rosie O'Donnell coming out. If you want to see a slightly more shocking coming out event, check out the time when Jughead outed Betty and Veronica by calling them man-hating sheep as they strolled through the park holding hands.
Come on, everyone knew that Betty and Veronica were a little bi-curious. It's been going on for years.
Finally, in the most shocking coming out story, Archie and Reggie get a gay makeover and reject the physical advances of Betty and Veronica. It all started when Betty and Veronica decided that Archie and Reggie should be more like Roger, their purple jumpsuit-wearing effeminate friend.
Roger GLADLY accepts to give Archie and Reggie makeovers. Just look at those eager smiles on the faces of Archie and Reggie as Roger calls Betty and Veronica to tell them that he needs to spend more time with them.
Finally, they arrive! Archie has a perm and Reggie has an emo cut. Carrying a can of hair spray and wearing their finest ruffles and Nicole Riche sunglasses, they refuse to let Betty or Veronica touch them.
Finally, Mr. Lodge arrives and forces the foursome to go on a date. Alas, Archie and Reggie forego the Bronze Zeppelin rock concert and instead decide to go shopping at the local gay hangout, the Peacock Parlor Male Boutique.
Inside the sausage shop, Archie and Reggie inform Betty and Veronica that they will spend the next two hours shopping. Scorned, Betty and Veronica wait outside where they run into Roger. Suddenly realizing the drawbacks to having gay boyfriends, Betty and Veronica gay bash Roger and storm away.
Well girls, you wanted everyone to be accepting of YOUR lesbianism. I guess you can't have your cake (or insert-bad-joke-here) and eat it too!
For example, in the below scene Dilton comes out to Archie, Veronica, Reggie, and Jughead by announcing that he isn't interested in girls. Everyone seems shocked. Everyone that is, except Jughead, who also isn't interested in girls. Hmmm...
OK, so Dilton coming out isn't very shocking. That's about as surprising as Clay Aiken, Lance Bass, and Rosie O'Donnell coming out. If you want to see a slightly more shocking coming out event, check out the time when Jughead outed Betty and Veronica by calling them man-hating sheep as they strolled through the park holding hands.
Come on, everyone knew that Betty and Veronica were a little bi-curious. It's been going on for years.
Finally, in the most shocking coming out story, Archie and Reggie get a gay makeover and reject the physical advances of Betty and Veronica. It all started when Betty and Veronica decided that Archie and Reggie should be more like Roger, their purple jumpsuit-wearing effeminate friend.
Roger GLADLY accepts to give Archie and Reggie makeovers. Just look at those eager smiles on the faces of Archie and Reggie as Roger calls Betty and Veronica to tell them that he needs to spend more time with them.
Finally, they arrive! Archie has a perm and Reggie has an emo cut. Carrying a can of hair spray and wearing their finest ruffles and Nicole Riche sunglasses, they refuse to let Betty or Veronica touch them.
Finally, Mr. Lodge arrives and forces the foursome to go on a date. Alas, Archie and Reggie forego the Bronze Zeppelin rock concert and instead decide to go shopping at the local gay hangout, the Peacock Parlor Male Boutique.
Inside the sausage shop, Archie and Reggie inform Betty and Veronica that they will spend the next two hours shopping. Scorned, Betty and Veronica wait outside where they run into Roger. Suddenly realizing the drawbacks to having gay boyfriends, Betty and Veronica gay bash Roger and storm away.
Well girls, you wanted everyone to be accepting of YOUR lesbianism. I guess you can't have your cake (or insert-bad-joke-here) and eat it too!
Betty gets topped by a shemale!
Oh, Betty. You spend your days fruitlessly chasing Archie. He always rejects your pitiful advances and escapes your smothering arms. Why does he always flee from you? Could it be your hatred over being a bottom and your persistent efforts to be a top? Maybe Archie thinks you are too rough as a top and he prefers bottoming for the local transsexuals of Riverdale.
OK, every guy you end up "doing" decides to leave you for a shemale. That's YOUR problem, Betty! They don't want to be some bend-over-boyfriend living out your wild and crazy pegging fantasies. They want the real thing from a shemale!
Apparently, this gives Betty an idea. She decides to confront the shemale. Alas, poor Betty's plan to try "another angle" didn't work.
She just ended up getting topped by the shemale!
Ha ha!
You lose!
OK, every guy you end up "doing" decides to leave you for a shemale. That's YOUR problem, Betty! They don't want to be some bend-over-boyfriend living out your wild and crazy pegging fantasies. They want the real thing from a shemale!
Apparently, this gives Betty an idea. She decides to confront the shemale. Alas, poor Betty's plan to try "another angle" didn't work.
She just ended up getting topped by the shemale!Ha ha!
You lose!
Laziness
First we examined the lazy Archie cover artist. Now let's take a look at the lazy Archie gag writer. I think Archie Comics must have hired some GM union laborers to write their comics in the 70's. Blame the bailout on Archie!!
So anyway, here is the first version of the gag:
What kind of band consists of the keyboard, tambourine, and banjo??
Taking a cue from the successful "The Archies" group, the artist decided to replace the banjo-playing random brunette with Midge and give the group a name..."The Veronicas!"
Too bad the writer couldn't have taken the time to, I don't know, maybe change the damn script!!
Laziness!! Bah!!!!
So anyway, here is the first version of the gag:
What kind of band consists of the keyboard, tambourine, and banjo??
Taking a cue from the successful "The Archies" group, the artist decided to replace the banjo-playing random brunette with Midge and give the group a name..."The Veronicas!"
Too bad the writer couldn't have taken the time to, I don't know, maybe change the damn script!!
Laziness!! Bah!!!!
Unintentionally (?) Disturbing - Archie spots a loose g-string!
I don't blame Mr. Lodge for being upset! I would be really pissed if someone pointed out my loose g-string too!!
Really!
Really!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Archie Movie
I was on YouTube and stumbled across this fan video featuring casting selections for an Archie movie (no, it's not anything official...it's just fanboy/fangirl fun). The choices aren't bad. I really like the choices for Betty, Jughead, Nancy, and Moose. I'm not sure about Big Ethel though. If only Heather Matarazzo were 10 years younger and five inches taller! She would be perfect!!
Personally, I want to see them greenlight this classic Archie tale! I'm sure that Thomas Jane and Ray Stevenson are both busy, but I bet that Dolph Lundgren would still put on the skull-chested shirt!
Personally, I want to see them greenlight this classic Archie tale! I'm sure that Thomas Jane and Ray Stevenson are both busy, but I bet that Dolph Lundgren would still put on the skull-chested shirt!
Blaxploitation hits Riverdale!
It was a nice gesture of the Archie creative staff to add Chuck and Nancy to the cast of characters in the 70's to add some racial diversity.
However, did they have to go the blaxploitation route and turn Chuck into Dolemite? Apparenly, Nancy got pissed at Chuck for being a cheapskate and not spending any money on her. In an effort to prove to Nancy that he could be a big spender, Chuck bought himself some fancy new threads:
Wow, Nancy and Betty both seem to be impressed by Chuck's fancy new threads! All he's missing is a pimp stick to beat them silly and turn them into his all-girl army of kung-fu killers!
Chuck Clayton is his name, and fucking up mother fuckers is his game!
However, did they have to go the blaxploitation route and turn Chuck into Dolemite? Apparenly, Nancy got pissed at Chuck for being a cheapskate and not spending any money on her. In an effort to prove to Nancy that he could be a big spender, Chuck bought himself some fancy new threads:
Wow, Nancy and Betty both seem to be impressed by Chuck's fancy new threads! All he's missing is a pimp stick to beat them silly and turn them into his all-girl army of kung-fu killers!
Chuck Clayton is his name, and fucking up mother fuckers is his game!
Laziness
What's more annoying than reading Jean Grey's death for the 37th time or reading the 574th origin revision ofDonna Troy, Hawkman, or Power Girl?
How about picking up an Archie comic and seeing the same damn cover or gag used for the umpteenth time?
Check out the series of covers that feature Miss Grundy getting pissed off by Veronica's cooking in Home Ec class, while Betty stands around laughing (like a jackass) at her "best friend" with Nancy. By the way, since when did Miss Grundy teach Home Ec? She always taught English or History.
On the first cover, Miss Grundy seems pissed at Veronica, but doesn't partake in any physical action.
The second time Veronica screws up, Miss Grundy is forced to use a hammer and chisel.
By the third incident, Nancy decides to take a sabbatical from class and is replaced by boyfriend Chuck, while Miss Grundy openly mocks Veronica with her choice of nosewear.
Finally, Miss Grundy gets pissed beyond belief and realizes she can't take it anymore. Enter craptastic early 90's Home Ec teacher Ms. Crouton, who forces Veronica to eat the garbage she had been preparing. Notice that Nancy is back too. Apparently Nancy makes her baked lasagna in a crock pot. Nice. Yet let's mock Veronica...
How about picking up an Archie comic and seeing the same damn cover or gag used for the umpteenth time?
Check out the series of covers that feature Miss Grundy getting pissed off by Veronica's cooking in Home Ec class, while Betty stands around laughing (like a jackass) at her "best friend" with Nancy. By the way, since when did Miss Grundy teach Home Ec? She always taught English or History.
On the first cover, Miss Grundy seems pissed at Veronica, but doesn't partake in any physical action.
The second time Veronica screws up, Miss Grundy is forced to use a hammer and chisel.
By the third incident, Nancy decides to take a sabbatical from class and is replaced by boyfriend Chuck, while Miss Grundy openly mocks Veronica with her choice of nosewear.
Finally, Miss Grundy gets pissed beyond belief and realizes she can't take it anymore. Enter craptastic early 90's Home Ec teacher Ms. Crouton, who forces Veronica to eat the garbage she had been preparing. Notice that Nancy is back too. Apparently Nancy makes her baked lasagna in a crock pot. Nice. Yet let's mock Veronica...
Unintentionally (?) Disturbing - Aunt Hilda promotes incest!!!
We all know that witches are scary, wicked, evil creatures of the night. But did you know that they also promote incestuous relationships?
Aunt Hilda disapproves of Sabrina dating Harvey, so she suggests an alternative: Cousin Grotesque.
That's right. COUSIN Grotesque.
Even Sabrina seems disgusted by Aunt Hilda's suggestion that Sabrina get it on with her cousin.
Aunt Hilda disapproves of Sabrina dating Harvey, so she suggests an alternative: Cousin Grotesque.
That's right. COUSIN Grotesque.
Even Sabrina seems disgusted by Aunt Hilda's suggestion that Sabrina get it on with her cousin.
Betty and Veronica - Nasty Girls!!
Who knew that Betty and Veronica were such nasty girls??
By the way, be sure to check out Archie's evil smirk at the 3:53 mark!
By the way, be sure to check out Archie's evil smirk at the 3:53 mark!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Unintentionally (?) Disturbing - Miss Beazley and Mr. Svenson
Play around on your own time, indeed!!
After slipping and falling on the wet cafeteria floor, Miss Beazley and Mr. Svenson just, by chance, happen to land in a reverse cowgirl position. Does Mr. Lodge know that his tax dollars are being spent to pay these morally corrupt school employees? Then again, these are two of the ugliest faculty members of any school in America. I guess if they found happiness playing Lone Ranger and Tonto on the school cafeteria floor, then more power to them.
After slipping and falling on the wet cafeteria floor, Miss Beazley and Mr. Svenson just, by chance, happen to land in a reverse cowgirl position. Does Mr. Lodge know that his tax dollars are being spent to pay these morally corrupt school employees? Then again, these are two of the ugliest faculty members of any school in America. I guess if they found happiness playing Lone Ranger and Tonto on the school cafeteria floor, then more power to them.
Corner Panel People
Have you ever read an Archie comic and suddenly, without warning, you stop paying attention to the main characters in the story? Your eyes are drawn to the corner of a panel, where you see the head of a very bizarre character that happens to be walking by. Who the hell are these freaks that walk the streets of Riverdale? Let's begin to meet them.
Many people wonder about Herb. He enjoys hanging out in front of the local Boutique Chik, a store aimed at teen and young girls. Even more curiously, why does Archie not want Veronica to know that he has been hanging out with Herb? What secrets are hidden by Herb's large yellow glasses and floppy-yet-tight-fitting pea green hat? Is Herb really 70's porn star John Holmes in disguise?
Could Archie have possibly been discussing a trip to Wonderland? Thanks to Veronica's piss-poor timing, we will never know.
Christine is a quiet girl, but she seems to have it all. Those eyes, those lips, that "I put out on a first date" frock. Yet Archie can only scratch his head as she walks by. What's wrong with Christine? Why does she seem so distant and removed from the rest of the Riverdale gang? Years later, the gang would learn the painful truth. Christine was a brunette trapped in a blonde's body!
Thank God all those hours working as a reporter for the Riverdale High "Blue & Gold" student newspaper would help her later in life.
Johannah was the life of every party in Riverdale! She even carved her own legend at those rowdy Central High parties! As you can see above, Veronica is pissed that Johannah is having too much fun at her pool party. Clearly strung out on cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy, Johannah's mind is altered beyond repair. That is, until she discovers her Lord and Savior, Rulon Jeffs.
Now that she has dedicated her life to serving a higher purpose, she is living a wholesome life somewhere on the plains with her husband, sister wife, and 23 children. God bless you, Johannah.
Herb
Many people wonder about Herb. He enjoys hanging out in front of the local Boutique Chik, a store aimed at teen and young girls. Even more curiously, why does Archie not want Veronica to know that he has been hanging out with Herb? What secrets are hidden by Herb's large yellow glasses and floppy-yet-tight-fitting pea green hat? Is Herb really 70's porn star John Holmes in disguise?
Could Archie have possibly been discussing a trip to Wonderland? Thanks to Veronica's piss-poor timing, we will never know.Christine
Christine is a quiet girl, but she seems to have it all. Those eyes, those lips, that "I put out on a first date" frock. Yet Archie can only scratch his head as she walks by. What's wrong with Christine? Why does she seem so distant and removed from the rest of the Riverdale gang? Years later, the gang would learn the painful truth. Christine was a brunette trapped in a blonde's body!
Thank God all those hours working as a reporter for the Riverdale High "Blue & Gold" student newspaper would help her later in life.Johanna
Johannah was the life of every party in Riverdale! She even carved her own legend at those rowdy Central High parties! As you can see above, Veronica is pissed that Johannah is having too much fun at her pool party. Clearly strung out on cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy, Johannah's mind is altered beyond repair. That is, until she discovers her Lord and Savior, Rulon Jeffs.
Now that she has dedicated her life to serving a higher purpose, she is living a wholesome life somewhere on the plains with her husband, sister wife, and 23 children. God bless you, Johannah.
Welcome!
Welcome to Archieverse! Ready to take an in-depth look into the bizarre world of Riverdale? Yeah, I didn't think so...
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